I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
