I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
