Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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