Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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