He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
