After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize