i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
