You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
