I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
