After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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