The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
