The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
