I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
