I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
