Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
