Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
