She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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