Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
