I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize