things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
