So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
