I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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