Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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