i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If I die, sorry about rent.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
