maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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