I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
