so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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