I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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