You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
