The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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