marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I cockslap morals
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
