**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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