I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
