Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
