If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
