I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
