i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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