you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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