dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
