saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
