That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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