I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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