So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
