last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
