Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
