The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
