Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
