If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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