if you like me you must not know who I am
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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