i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
