just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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