come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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