So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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