What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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