My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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