Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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