Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
