you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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