The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
