I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize