As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
