She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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