I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
