im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
