Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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