Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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